Oscar's Birth...cont'd

Labor started at midnight. I was at OB reception around 2 a.m., in L&D by 3 am (the only reason I know the timing of this all is through background clocks and watches that appear in Robyn's photos). Contractions had really picked up their intensity but I was doing alright through them. The most difficult thing I had experienced thus far was emotional.  Every special occasion or joyful event in our lives also brings with it a heavy weight of sadness as we feel the hole where Jeremy's dad belongs.  As the L&D room had me reminiscent about Finn's birth, I was remembering how wonderful it had been to have 3 of his grandparents meet him so soon after he arrived. The reminder that this time would be different bowled me over, and I once again processed and mourned that fact that my boys would not have the benefit of grandpa Glenn's influence in their lives, and we would not get to enjoy sharing them with him.  I had been thinking about this almost every day, particularly during the last trimester, but the grief really gripped me now that Oscar was on his way. The fact that Jeremy was also feeling this loss so profoundly pained me even more. In this way we labored together each time these feelings surfaced, and we cried and held each other .

I had decided to walk the halls a bit, in the event that I needed an epidural and would be bed bound thereafter. As I left my room I saw my mom walking towards us (bearing warm muffins, of course), probably close to 3:30 am.  There she was down the hall with her hurried Teri walk and a big smile, so glad she had made it. These familiar sights were so comforting. Almost as if my body was awaiting her arrival, powerful contractions hit me like a truck and I felt like I could literally be knocked to the ground. They stopped my breath. Each one that came, Jeremy had to remind me to breathe.
We quickly decided that our stroll was a little ridiculous and headed back to the room. The contractions soon had me bawling, each one's strength seemed to ramp up exponentially. I've never been one to commit either to or against an epidural, and it's a good thing I didn't have strong feelings because both my mom and Jeremy seemed very eager to relieve my pain this way. Jeremy kept whispering in my ear that it was time and I had nothing to prove.  Which I didn't.  Jeremy was such a good partner and support throughout Oscar's birth. He had just the perfect comforting touch and presence, whether it was holding my hand, rubbing my shoulder, supporting my weight, giving little kisses, or holding my neck up so it didn't tire or strain.

The nurse informed us that if we wanted one, now would be a good time, I assume given the speed of things.  So, at about 4:30 a.m an epidural was requested and as we sat waiting, I started to panic at the idea of holding completely still as this crazy pain consumed my body. I started to worry about actually being able to hold still to prevent complications. As its placement site was prepared I shouted to the anesthesiologist not to do anything yet, as I felt my center start to clench.  The man was a little brusque, I thought, and responded in a tone that communicated something like, "Chill, lady!!"  Of course he knew what he was doing, but I was freaking a bit...probably normal.
Holding still with chin tucked and back flexed for epidural placement through contractions is seriously a form of torture. It felt like there were a dozen contractions, but in reality it was probably just 3 or so.

Epidural placed. Relief and relaxation trickled in and soon flooded my body. Peace. Now we could just wait. Oh, except that the baby's heart rate started dipping with the increasing contractions so they placed me on oxygen (not so comfy), and I kept my eye on the monitors for the next several hours.
Jeremy pulled out the cot and shut his eyes for a bit. My mom worked on her knitting. I tried to get some sleep, but my baby's imminent arrival kept my mind going and excited my heart. Sleep was not in the tabs.

We were soon greeted by the rising sun and beautiful views of our city out of my windows. Everything felt peaceful, yet exciting like Christmas morning as a kid. I was told that the on call OB would come in to break my water so that the baby would be ready to come when Dr Hsaio arrived at the scene in a couple hours.  When the OB came in to check me around 6/6:30 a.m., I was 9+ cm.  She opted to not break my water since it would then be unlikely that the baby would wait for Dr Hsaio's arrival.  A new nurse arrived on shift. She was a rockstar nurse and I could tell I was in good hands.  Dr Hsaio was working at the hospital that day so she was due to arrive any time. The epidural had ceased working on one side so when Hsaio did arrive, and broke the water, she wanted that taken care of before delivery.  The anesthesiologist was called in but before he had a chance to come, rockstar nurse fixed the problem herself. At this point, I had been laying on my side and had my oxygen mask to help my little guy's heart rate.  Rockstar nurse simply had me flip to the other side figuring that the medication was dripping to one side and away from the other. Worked like a charm.

The nurse had me do some practice pushes after some short coaching. She saw some good progress right away so called for Dr Hsaio. It seemed like after only a few pushes they thought he was minutes away from popping out. But deja vu....doctor and nurse stared in amazement as baby simply would not come out. He was right there, but I just have an anatomy that retains babies.  Fortunately, this time Hsaio didn't let me push for hours. She made a small cut and baby boy was here! It all happened so fast...so much more quickly than with Finn.  I could still see straight (although exhausted from no sleep). I looked down to see my little guy's face scrunched up, hopping mad from this crazy entrance into a new place.

Happy.  I felt totally happy. Exhaustion vanished for the time being and I craved that baby.  Wanted to have my little one in my arms, against my skin, my lips, my cheeks. I wanted him to be a part of me again, but this time, outside of my body where I could admire his perfection, feel his warmth and smell his sweetness. He was placed in my arms immediately but I didn't feel that satiety until my robes were wrestled away and his skin was on mine. Jeremy cut the cord but I barely noticed, and had to ask him later if he did so.  For a while I noticed only him, my sweet little boy. He had a squeaky, high-pitched little cry (which he continues to have...sometimes more of a scream than a cry). Right away I noticed his endearing little dimple on his upper cheek, that shows up with his cries and certain smiles.

I wanted Jeremy to take in his sweetness and hold him, but at the same time, the last thing I wanted was to let him go.  Jeremy insisted that he stay close to me for a while longer and I remember him saying, "its important that he learn you." 

I hadn't given nursing this baby a second thought. It seemed like not too long ago I was nursing Finn.  I was an old pro!  But when it came time to nurse, I suddenly realized that I would have to re-learn nursing a newborn.  So incredibly different, and also because this was a different baby. Right away I realized that Oscar had a different approach than Finn.  It was a learning process for both of us, but a lovely one. 

photo by Robyn Kessler

My mom soon left to go get Kathy and Finn to bring them to meet the baby. I was anxious to see Finn, who had awoken to a different world. Both of his parents were gone (but luckily he had another favorite person in attendance) and he was certainly filled with wonder about this new baby.  As we awaited their arrival, baby had his bath, Robyn went for food, and Jeremy ordered some for me, then enjoyed time with his little boy. We both admired him together while our nurse snapped some photos for us.

(Next up....enter Finn...)