Oscar's First Days

Sigh...it is taking me so long to get this story written as I'd like!  I have a long list of other things I want to document too, as I know this is a precious but fleeting time period in my life.  Yet it is also so hard to make time...after putting Oscar down to sleep I will literally get only a few words written before he wakes up and needs help getting back to sleep. Anyway...here's the rest of his story, written very piece-meal.

As I sat eating my breakfast (ravenous!), Jeremy went and sat in the hallway to await Finn's arrival.  I didn't get to watch it, but when I look at Robyn's photos, I can see that Finn was anxious and nervous as he walked down the hall, hand in hand with the "two grandmas!" (as he exclaimed when he was with both of them at the same time).  When he came into the room, Oscar was in the bassinet/warmer where the nurses had been dressing him or doing vitals.  Finn was craning his head around to try to see this baby...he was definitely looking for the baby, not me! Jeremy lifted him so that he could lay his eyes on his brother for the first time.
I sat back on the bed, watching, kind of dying inside to not get to be a part of this introduction as closely as I would have liked.  I was so separate, there across the room.  Still, it was a lovely thing to watch, Finn's interest and the pleased look on his face.

I asked him to come to me and Jeremy brought him over to give me a hug.  But the whole time he spent up with me on my bed, he was looking towards Oscar, only half registering my presence. He quickly escaped my embraces to go back to him.

Nana soon got a turn to hold Oscar, and Finn was right there beside her, wanting to hold the baby too.  Here I caught Finn's eyes and with looks alone we shared some giddy excitement about the new bundle.

Grandma Bates also got her arms around our sweet boy. 

After Finn had some good time with Oscar, we told him that the baby had a present for him. His eyes lit up, "I wanna see it!"  We pulled out a large gift bag and Finn quickly unveiled one of his most prized possessions.....a digger.  He wanted that digger to be right by his side for the next several weeks and he would proudly tell people that he got it from "O-car!"

We had a chance to all be together as a family but at this point it seemed Finn was starting to get overwhelmed and restless. So the two grandmas left with him to get us all some lunch.

I started having some aches in my abdomen, which I assumed was my contracting uterus. As the pain got worse and worse I thought it was because my epidural wearing off. But as the time approached to be transferred out of labor and delivery to the maternity ward, I was writhing, and my nurse declared that something was not right.  As soon as I got into bed in the new room, she went off to page Dr Hsaio. She quickly returned and decided to take matters into her own hands as my pain at this point had me just about in tears. She felt that it was either a hematoma that was developing, or that my bladder was very full and I was incapable of sensing this or emptying it due to the swelling. She went ahead and placed a catheter. Within seconds the pain relief was underway as urine poured out. I filled the bag twice, immediately, and then some more. My bladder was hosting over 2 liters of fluid! I'm so grateful to that nurse. Who knows, my bladder may have exploded!  Dr Hsaio arrived shortly thereafter and checked me out anyway for a hematoma, but it was clear that the nurse had solved my issues.  So, I got the joy of having a catheter and no need to get out of bed at night for those annoying visits that had plagued my entire pregnancy! I decided that women should have catheters during pregnancy too.

We had a chance to have a nap. Jeremy slept like a champ; I only slept an hour, I think. Too many hormones, adrenaline, emotions were pulsing through my body.
Kathy came by the hospital again before she headed home, this time without Finn, and got lots of uninterrupted snuggle time.

That night I got a little more rest, but nursed Oscar at regular intervals. I just have to say, I absolutely love being in the hospital post partum and truly can't imagine going straight home, or especially having the baby at home!  I just love being taken care of while I'm so exhausted, sore, swollen etc. The nurses I had were exceptional. I'm lucky to have access to such excellent care, both prenatal and postpartum. CPMC is just so great.

The next day brought with it some of the greatest moments of my life.  My grandma Bates had told me that some of her favorite memories of motherhood were those moments when the older child/ children came to see the new baby.  Finn's first time meeting the baby had been lovely, however while Finn was happy, he was also very curious and bewildered. This second meeting, even with my grandma's words echoing in my mind, I was unprepared for the joy I felt at Finn's interaction with the baby. I think the difference was that he and I were sharing him, together. Finn truly felt that Oscar was our baby; his and mine. He couldn't have been more thrilled.  When Finn walked in that morning to see us, Oscar was in bed with me, cuddling. Finn's face broke into a huge grin and he hurried to the bedside, begging to get up and then begging to snuggle, hug and hold the baby.  This he did, with the most genuine affection I have ever seen from Finn.  He couldn't get close enough to that baby, and only pulled back long enough to look at the baby and beam at me, smiling wide. He was so happy to be there, in bed with this new baby and me, and to feel that he was a part of it.  My heart was just bursting as I held both of my babies, the older adoring the younger, and me. I just can't think of anything that has been quite so wonderful an experience. I was so impressed, and pleasantly surprised by this immediate attachment and love that Finn had for Oscar.

Later that day Robyn came by with Berkeley in tow. She snapped some more photos, and as I was nursing Oscar, Finn came in for another visit.  This is one of my favorite images that she captured. 

photo by Robyn Kessler

Having that time in the hospital with nothing else to do but rest, receive medical care, and be with Oscar was priceless.  We missed Finn, but enjoyed his visits and really appreciated the time to focus on our new guy and on recovery. Snuggle time abounded.

There's nothing quite like skin on skin. Oscar was so content and calm there, while that second day he was fussy and restless in his bassinet.

I got lots of time to just gaze and appreciate this beautiful, perfect child, feeling so blessed.

And I continued to adore that upper cheek dimple, marveling at Oscar's unique features and so happy to finally have the chance to study them after wondering what he would look like for those 9+ months.

As we sent out photos to friends and family, all of the comments we heard back were that he looked identical to me or Finn. I saw both similarities and differences to Finn. He had way more hair, and it was darker. His head was not quite so round and huge (v. appreciated).  Then there were those dimples! But he seemed to have Finn's nose (via Jeremy) and Finn's eyes (via me), albeit bigger eyes.  Since then, he has grown to look less and less like Finn and me and all I see is Jeremy when I look at him....a blue-eyed Jeremy.  He is a gorgeous child...but more on that in a later post!

Scrawny newborn legs...can't believe he was so tiny

A lot of people are super eager to go home from the hospital. I had mixed feelings, but it was nonetheless exciting. There is a very tender feeling that comes with carrying a new baby into one's home.

Getting dressed for home

Whoa! Double carseats!

Finn insisted that his digger read the book too

Aunt Emily was there at our house to greet us, having just flown in that morning. She had brought flowers for me and books for the kids, and arms ready to hold a newborn and toss a toddler in the air. 

At home, Finn continued to be so excited about his brother. 

He asked to hold him and cuddle him all the time.

But he also realized some of the drawbacks pretty quick...

During Oscar's first days at home he showed constant amazement at this new thing he had encountered...light. He was almost dumped out of his swing by a well-intentioned older brother. He took beautiful naps next to mama while big brother slept. He continued to calm immediately when placed skin to skin (one time barfing all down mama's front when placed there....awesome). He amazed his doctor at his first appointment by having regained all his weight since birth, and then some!  He started having longer periods of awake time in the morning and evening.

Finn seemed to realize that mama was busy caring for the baby and really turned to grandma and papa for his care and play time. When he got home from an outing though, he would immediately run to find mama and look at the baby, "I wanna see ba baby!" He loved to climb up next to me to sit with Oscar and me. He was gentle with his loves.

Oscar's first night at home was rough, and he didn't settle to sleep till 3 am. Soon thereafter he seemed to pick up on night and day, sleeping in 2-4 hr chunks and falling back asleep right after feeding. But my sleep was all messed up, with hormonal changes pulsing in my blood, I found I couldn't sleep even when Oscar was.  It really freaked me out since I knew I needed to be able to sleep to maintain sanity.  Luckily after a few days I was pretty well-regulated. My first few days home I think I had withdrawal after being physically separated from him.  I just wanted to be holding him and have him near to me all the time.

Oscar's temperament was very calm, and he didn't cry much initially. He was really easy to soothe, responding very well to a swaddle and rocking or a bit of walking in my arms. He was comforted by a good snuggle and slept soundly that way.  These things were so nice about Oscar as a newborn. As his brain has become more active and he's more awake to the world, always learning, he's had a harder time sleeping and shutting out stimulation.  It is more difficult to soothe him to sleep and for him to stay asleep so there is some good screaming that goes on surrounding sleep. Despite that, he is still my boy who loves to be held, and always wants to be with us. He definitely finds comfort in being home and in familiar arms.  More later on Oscar growing, and now!

Impressed by the morning light

Oscar at 1 week old