Happy Birthday, Glenn

I have yet to formally acknowledge the passing of Jeremy's father, Glenn Avery McMillan, on this blog. It is a deeply significant event in our lives obviously, and I suppose I have delayed because documenting it publicly makes it more real, and it is hard for me to do. Writing is an emotional, cathartic process for me, and a topic such as this comes with a lot of tears as I write.

Today is my father in law's birthday, the first we are spending without him alive and without the opportunity to celebrate with him, usually a weekend gathering of sorts.
This is one of the many days we will be acutely missing his presence and thinking about him. Today as I think about honoring him on his birthday, I think about the past ways we have recognized his birthday. I wish we had made a bigger fuss over him. I wish we had expressed to him the many, many things we admired about him, and the gratitude we felt for him. The reason we didn't is likely because Glenn was such a modest person and he would've somehow laughed off any attempts out of discomfort. He never expected any grand celebration of himself--he was the least self-centered person you can imagine. Look at the above photo--for crying out loud he's even slicing and serving up his own birthday cake!

Starting the weekend of his funeral, there have been times I have felt the need to mourn, remember, or have a little cry, so I have pulled out the computer and written down memories of Glenn, or reasons that I love him and think he is one of the greatest humans I will ever know. I'd like to share some of those things today, and make a big deal about him today on his birthday. Most of these I've copied and pasted from the perpetual Word document I have going of memories, admiration etc, adding to some of them.

Memories, Things Loved, Admired and Missed
(please forgive the inconsistent narrative/ bullet point writing style, and the fact that there is no organization whatsoever)

-One of my earliest memories of Glenn, before Jeremy and I married, is of him taking me on a "produce tour," around the Monterey Bay area. I had expressed an interest in seeing what produce looked like in its growing state. Glenn was a incredibly well-respected and utilized agricultural consultant in the area. He knew those fields better than the back of his hand. I absolutely loved riding in his truck with him, hearing his passion for the area and for his job. It also meant a lot to me that he took an entire afternoon of his weekend to do this for me. I learned a lot actually, and to this day, every time we pass a field, I like to identify and announce exactly what is growing there, and I always remember that tour. You'd be surprised what brussel sprouts and artichoke plants look like!

• Glenn had a magical way of driving where he needed to go without seeming to ever look at the road. He loved seeing the sights around him as he drove.

• I admire his great interest and appreciation for each person he encountered in life. He thought everything that everyone was involved in was “so cool.”

• Somehow the busiest man we know could always be counted on to help. Helping us, helping anyone, was priority.

• I miss seeing Finn’s whole being take on a new burst of energy when he caught sight of his “Dan-da.” His smiles and laughs as he ran towards him in greeting. Finn still remembers Dan-da. Just today Finn whined and reached out to him when I showed him his picture. It broke my heart.

• After a day of caring for Finn, I loved being picked up from work by Glenn and listening to him rattling off tale after tale about the ways Finn cracked him up or amazed him…the entire ride home. His attentiveness to Finn, following him around with a camera, throwing his head back in laughter watching Finn’s antics. The pure joy he found in our little boy brought me joy.

• His creative methods for entertaining Finn using whatever resources were handy. Goofy shuffles or tribal-esque dances, rattling a plastic cup around in a pan...

• Glenn had unceasing enthusiasm and support for Jeremy's ideas, ambitions, stories, hobbies. I mourn so very deeply Jeremy's loss of a best friend.

• Without fail, bringing the most delicious and fresh ("picked this morning!") strawberries up to any event or occasion, even my friend’s baby shower

• He loved to laugh and laughed often. I have great memories of watching Youtube videos and loving his laughter. His laugh started out loud and hearty, head thrown back, but as he lost air it would continue silently as he shook his head back and forth, and he would bend over to support himself. His laugh made everything more fun, and funnier.

• He flew out to Boston to watch me run the Boston Marathon. I remember him loving every second of the trip. I loved going places with Glenn because he was so darn enthusiastic-- everything was so cool, and so beautiful in his eyes. We took a few trips to Tahoe, southern California, and also traveled to Maui, Boston, Utah, and Las Vegas with him. Of course there were also many local day trips enjoying both SF and Monterey Bay.

• He never ever tried to live his own dreams through his children. He enthusiastically honored and supported each one in their individuality, their interests and their ideas. For example, he attended Jordan’s 3 hour + dance productions for 4 evenings in a row--never missed even one scene and gave Jordan a flower at the end of each performance.

• I miss his style of cutting a watermelon-- going at it like a samurai. Glenn loved to goof off and make people laugh.

• He was not one to say unkind things about other people. The harshest thing I ever heard him utter about another person was “What a kook.” He did use that one liberally.

• He could be found eating peanut m&ms while jiggling the keys with his knees on road trips. Every time.

• When I was 9 months pregnant, I remember him raving about how beautiful I looked. It made me feel so good, whether it was true or not. It was actually on the very day of the photograph below. We were in SF, enjoying the Farmer's market and other weekend activities.

• A memory very close to my heart is when Glenn became one of the first people to find out that we were expecting Finn, just a couple days after we found out ourselves. I was on leave from work after losing our baby and had taken some furniture down to store at his warehouse at work. After unloading and shelving the furniture for me, he took me out to lunch. I remember feeling so at ease with him and felt very close to him as we conversed at lunch. I felt the urge to tell him about the baby. When I told him, he got quiet for several seconds and looked down. When he raised his head he had tears in his eyes. I knew then how much he had grieved for our previous loss and I felt the deep love he had for not only Jeremy, but for me as well. He was overcome with gratitude that we had another chance to try to become parents, and that this blessing had come relatively quickly.

• He loved feeding Finn his rice cereal, and later his first milkshake.


The infamous milkshake video. (click link to the left)

• Jeremy was always eager to discuss with his dad any new development in life, a big decision or even a little one. Jeremy consistently felt a need to talk through all his thoughts with his dad, and always received his listening ear, support and encouragement in return.

• I miss his hearty laughter at and with Finn. The way he enjoyed time with my son was such a treasure to me and is a thing I think about and miss so frequently.


• His love for my Bates family, and interest in each one of them. His willingness to help any of them, and to have them in his home. He enjoyed any time that brought both of our families together.


• His forgiving nature, never holding a grudge, and giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.

• His predictability in ordering food at a restaurant. I could guess with 99% accuracy what he was going to order.

• The pride with which he watched his son receive his graduate diploma.


• His trust in other people.

• He came up to SF the day we found out our baby would not live, was there the day we lost him, there for our simple little memorial service. He helped us with each of our moves. He came up to SF or Oakland just for airport rides when public transit would have been difficult. He was always there for us.

• His relationship with Finn started when they met within an hour after he was born, and the two of them grew to love each other. Glenn told Jeremy that it had been one of the greatest blessings of his life to live close to Finn. That means the world to me and memories of their relationship will be treasured always.

-He comprised the "life" of any family gathering with the McMillans. Having the opportunity to know Glenn has been one of the greatest things about getting to be a part of the McMillan family.




-He would be the last person I would expect to toot his own horn, even in a roundabout way (you know, those kind of sly methods that so many of us perfect).

-Watching Jeremy and Glenn enjoy Finn together. Jeremy was always so eager and proud to share Finn with his dad.


-I feel honored that we were able to treat Glenn and accompany him to an amazing snorkling trip in Maui during his last week of life (he had planned to pay us back--I'm glad there's something we can say we did for him). He absolutely loved it and apparently raved about it to people he worked with upon his return.


• Glenn was a hard-working, DIY- type of guy. He was never found sitting still, until 11 pm when he would plop down in front of the Weather Channel or a game and promptly fall asleep. When up at our house for visits he could be found scrubbing our sink, taking out the trash and washing out the trash can and various other randoms.


• Glenn was the best kind of Grandpa. All his grandsons adored him.


• Glenn was the best kind of husband. He was so devoted to trying to make his wife happy. He served her constantly, lovingly and thoughtfully. He worked hard for her, and this is a huge way he expressed his deep love for her (working is how he expressed his love for everyone actually, and for life). Glenn also respected Kathy, and trusted her opinions, ideas and decisions, supporting her without question.

Glenn asked me to take this photo of their feet together on a black sand beach in Maui.

I love you Glenn and I miss you terribly. I wish we could celebrate your birthday with you. I hope you know how deeply Jeremy loves you, and the giant impact you've had on him. I am so lucky to be married to someone who has learned from your example. I've never seen my husband hurt so badly, and there is nothing I can do to take the pain away.
I know the last thing you would've wanted is to leave a hole in all of our hearts and lives, especially your greatest love, Kathy.

You know how when someone dies, they often receive exaggerated praise? The thing that is amazing about Glenn is that this post completely falls short of describing the wonderful man he was.